


Reconnections

by KitSkit



Series: Painful Musings [1]
Category: Green Eggs and Ham (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, beginning of multiple parts, includes Donna as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22071877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitSkit/pseuds/KitSkit
Summary: Sam-I-Am knew he should be happy. He knew where his Mom was, his criminal record was on the clear, everything was swell! Except, no matter what he told himself, Sam knew that was a lie. He would have to break the news sooner or later, but how could he when it already tore his life apart?
Relationships: Guy Am I & Sam I Am (Green Eggs and Ham)
Series: Painful Musings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588711
Comments: 9
Kudos: 21





	1. Suffocating Normalcy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned. This story is non-profit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam stumbles at Donna's and reveals the extent of his self-deprecation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned. This story is nonprofit.

Sam-I-Am hadn't the faintest clue where this trip would take him. Wait, no! He knew about East Flubria! He dropped a past job onto a mail car with that country scrawled onto it. 

.....

Ok, maybe he was pulling at chickeraffe feathers. His criminal work wouldn't do him any good in finding his Mom. So what? He and Guy could handle it! They've been to Meepville and back while safer than a flurk in a glurk!

He was never going to find his Mom, was he. Ugh, he'd have to fake it in front of Guy and Michellee. Not like it was a change of pace for him; he'd been pegged as the third wheel for over four months now.

Sam-I-Am was so distracted by his negative monologue that he didn't notice Donna until she poked his hat with her newspaper.

"Sam, are you with me, sugar?" she said, stifling a laugh.

"Oh!"

Sam was the most idiotic person he knew. How could he forget he was in public?

"Sorry, Donna! Just a bit spaced. I've got a huge trip coming up, lots of friends going. Just worried about accommodating them, hah."

Nice save, I-Am. Really subtle! Had he lost his ability to lie? He must have thought himself some kind of saint with the chickeraffe charges appealed. (Though Sam knew the only reason they were was because Snerz wanted to appeal to Sam's jail connections. It's almost like the business had no soul. Oh wait!)

"You've been like this all morning. Sure it isn't something to do with that brown fella? With the big hat?" Donna said, face clenched. Sam knew she didn't actually want to know.

"Guy? You don't have to worry about us. We're as tight knit as ever!"

Sam said it so convincingly that he'd almost convinced himself. 

"Alrighty, Sam. If you say so. I won't worry about ya. I've gotta close up soon. You want to lock up for me?"

"Do I ever!"

Sam took the keys from Donna and genuinely wished her farewell. That was the one part of himself that didn't make him want to disappear forever. He genuinely cared about others and how they felt. He just wished that Guy would do the same.

They had barely talked since he finally found his Mom again; just a simple acknowledgement when Sam went to work and they accidentally passed each other. At most, Guy would invite him out on dates with Michellee in the big city. Yeah, like Sam totally wanted to hear their small talk about beans and paint and curse himself into oblivion.

He kicked a pebble in frustration and almost fell over. Looking up from his dreary existence, he was about half-way home. Maybe he'd run into Guy on the way home and kick himself, lord if he knew. All Sam cared about right now was suffocating himself with his pillow until he turned blue.

Sam dragged his feet across his trailer doormat and pushed the door open with his head. His back slumped into an aching arch, and his heart bled just as much as his injury from the night before. He wished he wouldn't take these jobs. He might just earn some self respect.

Though Sam's rationalizing, for the millionth time, reminded him he wouldn't get to see his Mom or go to the cafe tomorrow without them. He sighed and dragged himself to bed.


	2. Seething Tranquility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Snerz surprises Sam during an outing with his friends, Sam realizes he'll have to lie more than he ever has before. How long can he keep up the act?
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned. This story is non-profit.  
> WARNING: This chapter features references to alcohol and suicidal thoughts. If you want to avoid these topics, there is a chapter summary attached at the end.

Sam woke up to a knock at his door. His aching head reminded him that, oh yeah, Guy was coming over today to talk about their trip with Michellee and E.B. He put on his best smile and opened the door. 

"Hi, Guy!" He gave his briefcase buddy a hug along with his greeting, happy to see his friend alone after so long. 

"Heh, hello, Sam! Happy to see you're so chipper." Guy said, sarcasm dripping in his tone. "How about we get going, huh? Maybe change out of your night hat."

Sam was confused for a second, then his realization made him flush with embarrassment. He scurried back into the camper. 

"Right, I'll just be a minute!"

When Sam had his suitcase and perfected smile in tow, he followed Guy to Ralphie's Coffee Shoppie. Absentmindedly, Sam wondered why everything in his town had to rhyme. He shrugged it off and went inside. 

"Now I'm sure I know what you're going to order?" Guy said as they chose a booth. 

The waitress walked towards them, twisty pen and notebook in tow. 

"I don't know how you think that, Guy. I'm not so simplistic! I have complex tastes, don't you know?" Sam said, poking Guy with his elbow. 

The waitress stood beside them now, stifling a laugh. 

"Uh-huh. We'll have the green eggs and ham, please."

"You got it!" The waitress said, shooting them a smile as she went to fetch their order. 

Shortly after, E.B and Michellee entered the cafe, gazing the room for Sam and Guy. 

"Hey, E.B! Michellee! Over here!!!" Sam said, so loudly Guy felt like the whole shop shook. 

Guy hid his face with embarrassment, even though he knew Michellee well enough not to. 

Guy did most of the talking, giving EB and Michellee a brief summary of Sam's past. Sam knew Guy left some important details out, like Sam being a wanted con-man, but he kept quiet and played along. 

"So, I was confused and felt terribly for Sam with being in my family's house and all, but Sam made sure I knew he was fine afterwards. Isn't that right, Sam?"

Sam felt this delivery ripped the sentimentality out of his confession and rose Guy up instead but chose to ignore it. He nodded simply and let Guy ramble on. 

Just before Guy could extend the invitation, it came time for the monthly embarrassment. Snerz's menacing orchestra music played on the cafe's loudspeakers, and Sam felt like crawling into a hole and never resurfacing. 

"Hem-hem, as I am sure you all know, " Snerz said, beginning his monthly speech to the world. "We are still looking for an animal watcher for the chickeraffe imposter. I know the real animal is still out on the streets, but if anyone can breach their panic and step up they will be paid a pretty penny."

The restaurant went silent while Sam's facade of normalcy fell. Snerz should have stopped his script. Why was the speaker still on?!

"Also," Snerz said, his own facade of corporate chipper decaying into seething rage. "You know who, return my trophies or face your doom. Thank you, have a great Snerzday!"

This is worse than Sam could have ever imagined. He excused himself for a moment and stepped outside. 

He almost wanted to skip the whole trip and go drown himself in Fizzy Pop. Maybe he would give himself a headache, steal the BADGUYS' car, and really drive off the cliff. It would be better than seeing Guy hate him for stealing Snerz's animals. How could he afford the trip otherwise? He had no choice; with Michellee and EB tagging along, there was no way. 

He's probably just telling himself that to avoid admitting he likes his life this way.

No friends, no prospects, no morals, that's what he wanted to be. Just like his Mom, probably, with how she abandoned him. What was he even doing with his life?

Sam went back into the cafe and slipped back into his facade. He could barely even understand what they were saying over his sulking. 

"Sam, Michellee said she won't be able to make the trip because Flerz needs the bean counters for some meeting in Meepville next month. Do we have enough to account for E.B?" Guy said.

"Hm? Oh, of course we do! I'm happy you're coming along, E.B! Actually, E.B, I think I have enough for us to see Mr. Jenkins." Sam said, half to excite E.B and half to convince Guy on his next lie. 

"Really! Awesome! I've been thinking about the little guy every day since last summer! You really think we can see him?" E.B said, stars in her eyes. 

"Yeah! Not that a few shifts at Donna's won't hurt. Guy, is it alright if I postpone the trip for a while? Just to get everything prepared." 

Sam was lying so hard he thought his nose would grow. He didn't have money to see Mr. Jenkins. He didn't work at Donna's either, but maybe Guy would buy it and never notice Sam's shame. 

"Sure, doesn't bother me. Could use some more time with E.B between all the paint-watching," Guy said. His joking nature about his lost dreams made Sam want to cry. 

"Sounds like a plan but Guy needs to promise to keep E.B safe. There's no such thing as a insured vacation," Michellee said, trying to joke but cutting Guy to the core. 

Guy didn't know how to promise this to her. He hadn't even told Michellee the truth about Sam's criminal status, something even he knew little about. That's why he's been avoiding Sam; he doesn't want to face his own lies. 

"I promise, Guy's honor. Just make sure she's ready for it. Wouldn't want to scare the little rugrat," Guy said while nudging E.B's side. He was genuinely promising, but something about Sam's ordeal didn't seem right. 

"Well this has all been good and fun but I gotta get some shut-eye to start hitting the travel books. Wouldn't want to put all the eggs in one basket, hah."

Farewells rang out while Sam left the building. The sky was starting to darken. How long had he spaced out for?

Sam didn't want to go home today. He didn't want to exist with himself right now. How could he have promised to go see Mr. Jenkins? He was going to get himself killed!

His jail buddies had been letting him travel to their discrete pub in the woods. They plotted their next heist together and encouraged each other to do even crazier stunts. He'd started getting serious injuries. 

The day before last they jumped over a barb-wire fence to steal a rare llamaganoe egg from the zoo. It was the establishment's big exhibit after losing the chickeraffe, and he was the one that got the crime limelight. Worst of all, he was overjoyed by the other criminals' approval. The guilt followed him every moment since. 

He supposed his punishment was his hidden injury's constant throbbing as he walked. What a lucky criminal he was!

He knew he would have to go back to the pub tonight, especially with the Snerz market's refusal to work with him after his switcheroo trick. Who could blame Snerz, though; Sam didn't do him any real favors among his cronies. Still, with a stunt like this, Sam wished he could give Snerz a nice ol' punch in the-

Wait, was that Michael in the distance? Sam's monologue abruptly stopped and replaced itself with utter confusion. The fox lead some sort of sign carrying rally down the streets. Their chants echoed throughout the town, the noise forcing people into their homes. Sam tried to creep away and join them when Michael touched his shoulder. 

"Excuse me, are you-" Michael said, startling Sam to jump onto the roof of a nearby building. "Huh, I guess he wasn't. No one can resist the chants of progress!"

Michael returned to his post, and while Sam appreciated the protest's efforts, he didn't want to be caught up in a police guarded event as a criminal. He would send them a postcard later. Right now, he needed to get-

"Sam, why are you here?" Guy said, scaring Sam once again. 

Sam's broken mind struggled to understand why Guy was here before it clicked. There was a sign on the roof for the new Paint Watcher's Enterprise. This was where Guy worked now, and to Sam's horror, it was a Flerz funded industry. He was going to lose everything. 

"Oh, hi, Guy! I was just, um, trying to find a short cut to Donna's! Away from the protest, you know. They're everywhere right now," Sam said, mind scrambled and heart about to beat out of his chest. Why did he have to come here? Did the universe want him to die from cardiac arrest?

"Sure, that's, uh, fine. Just make sure you don't destroy anything roof-hopping," Guy said, forcing a smile. Guy knew Sam wasn't here just to go to Donna's. Sam was up to something, and Guy needed to find out what. 

"Alrighty, see you soon, Briefcase Buddy!" 

Sam hugged Guy and hopped onto the other roofs, scouting out his usual route from this unknown turn. However, what Sam didn't know was Guy was tracking him using the BADGUYS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER SUMMARY HERE:
> 
> Sam I Am and Guy head to Ralphie's Coffee Shoppie, where they meet E.B and Michellee. Guy invites Michellee and E.B along for their trip but only E.B can come. Sam lies to E.B about going to see Mr. Jenkins on their trip which only makes him feel worse.
> 
> Their conversations in the shop help us find out that Guy has not yet told Michellee about Sam's criminal history and has avoided Sam to avoid his guilt. After Sam gets an announcement from Snerz regarding his stolen animals, we learn that Guy doesn't know about Sam's return to crime. Sam lies to Guy that he works at Donna's Diner to keep this secret hidden and cover up his lack of funds. 
> 
> When Sam leaves the shop, the extent of his criminal work is revealed (stole a recent llamaganoe egg with jail buddies). He is about to leave for work when he comes across Guy at Guy's new workplace. He continues his lies about working for Donna. Guy gets suspicious and hires the BADGUYS to track where Sam is actually heading to.


	3. Wasted Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the BADGUYS take Guy along on their heist, Guy realizes many truths and regrets his decision. Can he stop it before it ruins Sam's life forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham nor any of the characters mentioned. This story is non-profit.

The BADGUYS wanted to turn Sam in once the chickeraffe case went public. Their hopes were crushed, though, once they considered the idiocy of the police force and their lack of face-value evidence. They needed an opening to catch him red-handed. 

Guy's case (and his hefty check) persuaded their boss to call in the most related recruits: Gluntz and McWinkle. McWinkle was estatic to finally get some evidence against his most hated enemy, while Gluntz was excited to tag along on McWinkle's real last job. 

Meanwhile, Guy wanted to shove his head into an egg-fryer out of shame. He knew Sam wasn't a bad person, but Sam caused him nothing but trouble. What was the harm in seeing the real Sam?

Though, Guy knew he was telling himself that to avoid his guilt over abandoning his lonely best friend forever. 

The BADGUYS tried to calm him down on the drive to the pub. 

"Don't worry, big guy," Gluntz said, her uncertainty seeping through her tone. "Sam probably won't get much jail time."

"Really?" 

"Yeah, probably 15 years at most. It's very lenient considering all he's done during the past decade or so."

Guy was about to sink so far into his car seat it would swallow him whole, but the time-frame of Sam's crime distracted him. It helped Guy piece everything together. 

Sam must have escaped the orphanage after years of counting on a perfect family pipe dream, wanting to start anew. All that with no prospects, no money, and eventually, no hope. Maybe that was why he clung to Guy so desperately. He said he had been alone all his life, and as Guy slipped away, Sam turned to something familiar for comfort: crime. 

"Stop the car, Gluntz," Guy said, his hat covering his face. 

"What? We're almost there!" Gluntz said, dismayed. Why the change of heart? Was she too harsh? 

"It's not you, it's me. I can't do this to Sam. It's bad enough I've pushed him this far."

Guy felt utterly ashamed of himself. He still needed to discuss some things with Sam (if they want to go on this trip, which seems impossible right now), but he couldn't destroy what they've built up. 

Before Guy's realization could hold weight and Gluntz could overcome her shock, McWinkle grabbed the wheel and forced the car off the road. 

"We're not sacrificing our mission for your social life, buddy," McWinkle said as the car parked. 

He locked Guy into his seat and pushed his sunglasses up his nose as he broke the news. Guy also thought his gray fur gained a bluish hue, like a long-awaited victory. 

"It's not you, it's us," he said with a smirk, taunting Guy through the rear view mirror. 

Gluntz would have rather turned around for Guy's sake, but McWinkle had her career suspended. Guy and her shared the same cage. She mouthed an apology to him and continued on the road. 

Guy didn't think his life could get any worse. 

Sam was almost at the pub just as the moonlight truly began to burn. He felt a bit uneasy, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Was there someone watching him?

Just as he started climbing the entry fence to the pub, sirens rang out throughout the forest. He fell to the ground to the sounds of his jail "friends" fleeing without him. He was alone, like he always would be. 

Miserably, Sam pushed his bruised body up to meet McWinkle's flashlight. Before he could hear the BADGUYS's victorious cheer, he spotted a familiar briefcase and felt his soul wither away. Thankfully, the blackness of his unconscious greeted him before he fully registered what his life had become.


	4. Hopeful Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Sam is turned into the BADGUYS, he and Guy bond for what Sam sees as the last time ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned. This story is non-profit.

“You don’t fit anybody— not even your own mother.”

Those words stung Sam when Guy said them the first time, but now they rang like a gong. He knew they were true now; before he convinced himself it was just Guy's anger. He knew better now. 

Poor Sam, always the brunt of everyone's anger. Poor Sam, always hating himself despite his friends. Poor Sam, making his friends turn away with his lies. Poor Sam, who can't run his own life and needs to be coddled by his mother to feel whole. 

Sam knew the script. He tried of it, wanted something new. Guess how far that got him?

“This is my last job." 

Yeah, turned out that was a lie, too. Ugh. 

The BADGUYS led Sam into the police car, careful to avoid getting blood on their company car seats. 

"You need us to buckle you in, Flim-Flam?" McWinkle said, taunting from the front seat. 

Something told Sam he led the operation, but there was no getting out of it now. His lack of response made McWinkle push even harder. 

"Oh, too smart to talk to us, Flam? Maybe one of your other aliases could help us! Let's see, if we get through them all-"

"McWinkle, we should get going. The big man needs us before sun rise," Gluntz said, casting an air of irritation and dripping in sarcasm.

Sam shot her a surprised look. Guy was dumbfounded, choosing to stare out of the window awkwardly. McWinkle was absolutely livid. 

"Oh, look who's talking now? You trying to defend this criminal, Agent Gluntz? Cuz if you are I oughta-"

"The only thing I'm doing is trying to hurry this along. You wanted your last job to go quickly, didn't you? Stop stalling and let's go," Gluntz said, beckoning Mcwinkle out and settling into the driver's seat. 

McWinkle scowled and got into the passenger's seat. 

"Fine but I'm not happy about it, and the boss will be hearing about this."

"Great for him!" 

McWinkle and Gluntz bickered until they reached the BADGUYS's new Glursburg headquarters, about 5 zilometers away from Sam's camper. He should have known. 

As they waited in the lobby for the interrogation, Sam and Guy didn't know what to say to each other. They were both embarrassed of themselves.

Guy eventually broke the silence.

"I'm sorry I got us into this mess, Sam," Guy said, anxiously pulling at the plastic chair beneath him. 

"It's fine, Guy. I just don't know why. We were fine, weren't we? I thought-"

"No Sam, we weren't fine. Stop telling yourself that. I was ignoring you, remember? In the cafe?"

Sam thought back to Guy's minimal interaction. He never would have thought it intentional. He, like always, thought he had done something wrong. 

"I guess so but I, I just thought-"

He hated you because you're still a low life criminal? He lied to you at the airport? He didn't care and you should just give up?

"-you wanted to focus on Michellee. Besides, it's not like I've done you any favors. All I do is ruin you."

Sam dipped his head into his lap, causing his hat to fall onto the carpet. Guy noticed Sam's scar but ignored it for the time being. 

"Ruin me? Sam, my life is my choice! I stopped inventing because I wanted to!"

"Not that, it's-"

"Boys, it's time to go in," the interrogation officer said, opening the door to the interrogation room. She reminded Guy of Michellee before he got to know her. 

"You can tell me later, Sam. Come on, I'll help you up."

Sam took Guy's arm as he was lead to what he perceived to be the end of the world.


	5. Chilling Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite McWinkle's intense interrogation, Guy thinks he and Sam might just be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned.   
> Warning: Mild Abuse of Authority   
> If you want to avoid this topic, there will be a summary attached to the end.

It was the classic scene of interrogation, Sam thought. 

The curtains were drawn, and the room was as dark as the future of those who entered. A single lamp shone from above his chair, blinding just as the moonlight was a short time ago. It was almost hilarious, like the universe set this up, like it knew he was destined to fail. 

Guy stood outside as the interrogation began. McWinkle was up first. 

"Sam-I-Am, if that is your real name," McWinkle said, forcing the lamp in front of Sam's face. "What was your business tonight?"

"I was heading to the nearby pub, uh, sir."

"Quit the small talk, I-Am. You're a master criminal. I know you weren't just there to hang out."

McWinkle spat in Sam's face, causing Sam to shiver. Sam felt like he was going to be sick. 

Guy, meanwhile, felt like he was going to snap. He knew this wasn't part of McWinkle's authority; the monster should have left after he brought Sam in. He just wanted to rub his victory in Sam's face. It disgusted him. 

"I did, um, go to hang out, actually," Sam said, seeing how far he could push his luck. "We planned our heists, sir."

"Heists?! There are other schemes we don't know about? You better spill, Flam, or things'll get ugly!"

McWinkle's next act caused Guy's insides to boil. He took the toothpick from his mouth and scratched it across Sam's scar, breaking it open. Tears welled up in Sam's eyes and his head sank. 

"Hey! That's not in your rights, you son of a Yip! Leave Sam alone!!" Guy said, yelling and banging on the door. 

"You wanna calm your friend down, Bandit? I could do it for you-"

"No, that's fine! I'll handle it, uh, sir!" 

Sam gave a mock salute and forced the door open, the outsides of his vision fading to a murky black. If he could avoid Guy just so, maybe he could escape!

"Sam, thank god! Are you alright? We should get out of here, give McWinkle something to-"

"There's no use in it, Guy. If you try to follow me, I'll only cause you trouble. I'll see you next Snerzday, if you still want to see me then."

"Wait, Sam-"

Before Guy could object, Sam had already climbed his way into the airducts. 

"Son of a Yip."

Guy wondered what Sam was even talking about. There's nothing that could make Guy hate him. He already knew everything; they just needed to learn how to handle it. 

Before Guy could ponder further, McWinkle slammed the door open.

"What the- Guy! Where is Sam?!"

"Ugh, no idea. He just up and left a minute or so ago."

"What?!"

McWinkle was overreacting to the max, Guy thought. It's not like he would have to track Sam down. His job was over. 

McWinkle looked up at the open air-duct latch and freaked out, moving over to the phone to call the BADGUYS’s supervisor. 

"This yipping criminal, always on the run," Mcwinkle said, muttering as the phone picked up.

Guy drowned out the monster's conversation and started to head towards the door. Before he could leave, Gluntz approached him. 

"Sorry about all this, Guy," Gluntz said, her approach warm and endearing. Guy still didn't trust it. "Here are some photocopies of the information McWinkle was going to present to you. I'll tell him you're heading out."

Guy apprehensively took the papers from Gluntz, recognizing some of the mugshots from his previous interrogation in Meepville. 

"If you have any questions, feel free to contact my home office. McWinkle should be leaving soon, so I'm the sole manager for these kinds of cases. Should be an easier approach for the business, heh."

Guy felt Gluntz meant it. He accepted her business card and headed home. 

He decided not to investigate Gluntz's folder for tonight, or today. It was daybreak, and all Guy wanted was to rest before work. 

For the first time in a long while, Guy felt he and Sam would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's criminal activity is revealed to Guy as he is being interviewed. Guy doesn't mind, though he would appreciate some answers. For now his only concern is Sam (especially after McWinkle's harsh interview where he was injured). Before they can talk, Sam escapes through the air-duct. While McWinkle reports Sam's escape, Gluntz hands Sam's criminal files over to Guy. Guy leaves and plans to speak with Sam soon.


	6. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guy finds Sam sulking, and they finally start repairing their friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned. This story is non-profit.  
> WARNING: This chapter contains alcohol use and suicidal tendencies. If you wish to avoid these topics, skip to the third paragraph.

Sam didn't know where he was headed. 

He kept his promise of drowning himself in Fizzy Pop and traveling to the cliff-side. However, despite his best efforts, his headache ensured he couldn't remember the correct directions. He couldn't drive and use GPS; he wouldn't want to hurt anybody. He just wanted to hurt himself. 

He sighed and stopped to rest on an apartment complex sidewalk. It was a middle class area, but there wasn't anyone going to work this early. He was all alone. 

He just wanted to sulk. Maybe he would bask in his loneliness until he starved or froze to death. He could imagine the news broadcast.

'This just in, master criminal Sam I Am froze to death all alone zilometers away from his last crime scene. This comes as a surprise to no one. Let's all cheer for survival of the fittest!'

He probably wouldn't even get a half segment. 

He hated when he sulked like this, but there was nothing left for him to do. He couldn't get the money for Mr. Jenkins without the pub, and the rest of his money might be discredited by the bank. His "jail buddies" would probably cut him off for ratting them out. 

"It's not like I meant for this to happen," Sam said, thinking aloud. "It's not my fault!"

Even so, he still felt like it was. He felt guilty for lying to Guy. He felt guilty for lying to everyone. Now, he had no prospects, no money, and no hope: his new normal, he supposed. 

Poor Sam, always alone and by himself. Get a grip, already! 

"Sam?" Guy said, entering Sam's peripheral vision. 

"Woah, Guy! Hello! What are you doing here?" 

Sam almost jumped out of his skin. Why did they keep scaring each other like this? 

He noticed Guy was holding a suitcase in one hand and a newspaper in the other. No one was going to work at this time, huh? He wanted to kick himself. 

"Uh, I'm heading to work? I'm on the morning shift. What are you doing here?"

Sam needed to come up with another lie. Wait, why was he lying, again?

"Oh, just wanted to take a stroll. Kind of lost my way, though. Head's killing me, hah-hah!"

"I could imagine, you're still bleeding terrible. Why don't you come inside? I'll call in sick."

Sam didn't want to bother Guy any more than he already had. He stuck to his usual line. 

"That's alright, I'm fine- ah, achoo!"

"Yeah, no, you're coming inside." 

Sam followed Guy up to the apartment and was astonished. 

The walls were decked in plaid wallpaper, there were bookshelves full of paint-watching books, and the kitchen was glorious, almost glistening.

Sam's stomach growled. 

"Guy, do you mind if I-"

"Already got it covered. Go rest, Sam. There's a couch in the living room."

Already, Sam felt more at home here than his own home. He settled into the couch and reached for the remote. This was cool. He'd never had a TV before. 

"Alright, anything you want as background noise?"

"Nothing in particular, have fun with it. I'll whip up some green eggs and ham."

Sam flipped through the channels casually, mesmerized at what he'd missed all these years. He settled on a sitcom and watched casually. It was a suburban family that seemed to be having some sort of conflict. 

"I can't wear this to the prom, Mom! I look like a child!" the teenage girl of the family said. She was dressed in a hideous pink dress doted with sequins. 

"Alright, no problem. You just won't go to the prom, then," said the mother, looking irritated. 

"What?! That's not fair! You're gonna cut me off from my friends just because I won't wear your dress to the prom?!"

"Mother knows best!"

Sam absentmindedly wondered if that's what his Mom thought when she abandoned him. Was she as self-righteous and picky as this mother seemed?

The girl left the scene with a huff, and the mother went to speak with the father. 

"I just don't understand her, Gerald," the mother said, tears filling her eyes. "It's not about the stupid prom dress. She just never talks to me, and I wanted some control for once."

"What do you mean, Margret?" Gerald said, looking concerned. 

"She bottles everything up and is always so down on herself. I thought forcing her to stay here would help, but I guess we're just growing apart."

"No, Margret, you shouldn't have done this. You both need to talk to one another. You love each other. I'm sure you can work together with her to fix what's happening between you," Gerald said, opening the door to reveal the teenage daughter. 

The mother and daughter talked for a while, hugged, and came to a compromise. They went to prom together and the daughter ended up much happier. 

The sitcom was cliche, sure, but it made Sam realize he had made a terrible mistake. He and Guy needed to talk, but he couldn't figure out how. 

"Here's your green eggs and ham, of course I made them on the double, heh," Guy said, placing both trays on the coffee table. 

"Heh. Hey, Guy, can I-"

Before Sam could begin, Guy's phone rang. 

"Oh, that's my boss! I guess I forgot to call in. Hold that thought."

Guy answered the phone and took a while, giving Sam some time to ponder what he was going to say.

He royally messed up. He returned to crime, and now he'll have to tell Guy they can't afford the trip when he's promised Michellee. He almost wanted to ignore it and just dig himself a grave, but he couldn't. Burying it would make this irreparable. 

He imagined possible conversations and shifted through potential conversation starters. He eventually settled on one, hoping it was natural enough. 

He tried to tap into his optimism but couldn't seem to. Lord, help him, how did he used to do this?

"Alright, got that handled. Here, I have this for you."

Guy handed Sam a first aid kit, and Sam realized how much his wound stung. Guy took off Sam's hat and placed it on the floor. Sam nodded in gratitude and bandaged his wounds as Guy continued. 

"I mean, I won't get my Christmas bonus, but who cares, right? What did you want to tell me, Sam?"

Sam paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and recited his lines. 

"Um, so, about what Gluntz showed you-"

"Oh, those extra mugshots? It's nothing I haven't seen before. Mcfurrypants Megee threw me for a loop once I discovered him."

Sam was shocked. Guy didn't despise him, even with this extra news.

"Heh, I know, right? I only use him for rich yachts. Gotta appeal to the oldies, you know?"

"Did you have to use the monocle? You look like the Monopoly Turtle!"

"You know he doesn't actually have a monocle?"

Their conversation carried on comfortably, and Sam felt at ease. Their friendship wasn't destroyed. He hoped he could keep that up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I hope everyone enjoyed this early chapter. I tried out something new. Feel free to leave your criticism in the comments!


	7. New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam works up the courage to confess the truth to Guy, and he realizes he might not be as doomed as he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Green Eggs and Ham or any of the characters mentioned.  
> 

Despite his newfound security, Sam didn't know how to break the rest of the news to Guy. He wanted Guy to say something first, and gracefully, the universe answered his prayers. 

"So, I was wondering-"

Sam's optimism drained. Guy was going to ask about his job. 

"-what were you doing climbing that fence? Were you going to the pub nearby to get some fizzy pop? Seems like it from the state of ya, I swore you didn't have any brain left when I first saw you. Not like it's unusual, heh."

Sam wanted to die. He wondered why he bothered starting this conversation. 

He railed off his script before he could stop himself. 

"Actually, um, I've been worrying myself silly about how you would react to what I'm about to tell you. That's why I'm like this; better to be numb than experience it, right?"

Sam wanted to double die, if that was possible. 

"Why? Is there something wrong with seeing Jenkins? If you can't afford it on Donna's payroll I can ask my parents for some money. They love you to bits, you know."

Oh, how Sam wished that was the case. 

Come on, I-Am, spit it out!

"I don't like that you're dating Michellee!"

Sam could scream. There was no recovering from this. 

"What?! Sam, you have no authority in my love life! Why would you even say that?! You were pushing us together before!"

"I just don't think you're a great couple! You know, she has a child, you're not a child type person, so-"

"I love E.B! She's like family to me! Where is this even coming from?!"

Well, since Guy asked, Sam might as well say it. 

"You, um, haven't been hanging out with me these past months. The only times you invite me out are when it's to impress Michellee. It's like you don't care anymore."

This was worse than Guy predicted. He'd really hurt Sam in ignoring him. He didn't even realize. Sam seemed as peppy as ever, or maybe Guy just didn't want to see the signs. 

"I'm so sorry, Sam, I didn't realize. I guess this criminal stuff was bothering me more than I cared to admit."

Sam knew Guy was bothered, but he didn't want to breach their once comfortable isolation. He guessed they were both too scared to really talk about it before. 

He stared at his bandages at the side of his vision. The gloom washed over him. 

"I wanted to investigate you because I didn't want to admit I knew something was wrong. I wanted to find out the 'real you' which was selfish of me. But, Sam, you need to tell me what's really going on in your life so I can help you."

Sam felt ashamed of himself, but at least Guy wanted to help. As Guy smiled at him, he finally felt comfortable. 

It was now or never. 

"Well, alright. I'll start with the pub. That's what you wanted before this mess, right?"

Guy nodded and caressed Sam's hand, beckoning him to continue. 

"I was working at the pub with some of my jail buddies. We planned heists and went on some of them together. That's where this scar, er, wound came from."

Sam removed his bandages to reveal the almost healed wound to Guy. When Guy really stared at it, he noticed how similar it looked to the injury during the recent zoo animal theft. It all started to make sense. 

"So, you and your croonies were the ones that stole the llamaganoe egg from the zoo?"

"Yep, remember that guy who distracted the cops with a paper airplane?"

"That was you?"

Sam nodded and was surprised when Guy started to laugh. 

"Wow, I was kinda impressed with that one!"

"Hah, glad to hear it. The others were impressed, too!"

Sam explained how his cronies abandoned him and he might not have money for the trip. Guy seemed irritated but understood. 

"This was all just one big coping mechanism for you, huh?"

"Yeah," Sam said, gazing down as his face flushed. "I guess I couldn't cope with you 'leaving me.'" 

Sam made quotation marks with his fingers as he spoke. He laughed to cover his embarrassment.

"Sounds stupid, doesn't it?" 

"Not really, I can understand where you're coming from. Still irritating as ever, though!"

Guy ruffled Sam's head feathers, careful to avoid his bandages. Sam's anxiousness subsided as he laughed. 

"I just wish you'd told me sooner. I'll have to fetch the money from my parents on my day off in a few weeks."

"Really? Are you sure you have enough bruckles to-"

"It's no problem, Sam, I've been working overtime for these past months. I'm in a high ranked position! I'm no beggar unlike someone I know."

They both relished in their laughter. 

"It would be nice if that someone accompanied me."

"Free-handed? Guy, I would never!"

"You sure? This doesn't sound like same Sam who stole my wallet three times!"

"Hey! I treated your girlfriend and her kid with that money! It was a five star experience!"

"You lie! You stole their food, you hog!"

"Michellee's vegan, Guy! She wouldn't have eaten it anyway. I'm surprised you didn't know that already, Casanova!"

After so long, Sam thought that maybe, just maybe, they were going to be okay. It was a long shot, he knew, but for now, he could sit and chat with Guy forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for reading (and therefore supporting) this story. I hoped you liked it and will enjoy the other stories to come. <3
> 
> Side-note: I will edit and check for criticism of this story alongside the other installments. I will try to respond to comments as well. :)


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